Attack of the Amway Desis

They have a gift. 

They can smell you, perhaps even sense your presence in their vicinity. They are predators alright, but skilled ones at that. Their regular hunting grounds are the milk and the canned tomato aisles at Walmart. The moment they spot you in the cereal aisle looking confusedly at Kellogs' Chocolatey Delight and Vanilla Almond, they lock you in their sights. They don't follow you, but somehow 'accidentally' bump into you in the next aisle. And then they go about the kill, slowly and softly.

Yes, I am talking about the 'Amway' Desis.

My friends had adequately warned me about these creatures, more so now that I'd moved to Texas. And after two encounters in 3 days, I am now seriously contemplating doing my groceries at 1 AM on a wednesday. 

Why, you ask? Allow me to cut to the flashbacks.

Thursday evening:

On the way home from work, I remembered that I was running out of cereal (now that I'm guzzling 4 boxes a week!). So I decided to stop by the friendly neighborhood Walmart. Navigating my way through the friendly stray shopping carts, I parked at the closest available parking spot which was only half a mile away from the entrance. Actually, in one of the great ironies of life, I feel jealous of the handicapped every time I go to Walmart.

Anyway, I was at the milk section when I noticed a decently dressed 'Desi' being awfully polite to all and sundry. Hmmm.. something fishy, I thought. Well, actually I was walking by the seafood section when I thought that. But anyway..

So I was in the chips aisle doing inky-pinky-ponky between regular and jalapeno cheetos when I heard a voice.

"So, looking for Indian Chips aa?"

It was the aforementioned Decent Desi. I don't know where he came from because the aisle was empty when I entered it.

"Missing Indian Chips aa?" he asked again.

I was startled, only for a second. Then I was actually disappointed.

Missing Indian Chips? Really?? You're looking to get unknown people into your business network and that is the best pick up line you can come up with?

"Hehe" I let out an awkward smile, avoiding making eye contact for more than 2 seconds.

"You are Indian, right?" he asks. I was impressed.

"Yep".

"Hi, I'm LKB" (original name withheld), he offers a handshake. I return the favor.

"Where are you from?" enquiry begins.

"Bangalore".

"Oh.. my sister lives in Bangalore". 

Sister? Riiight. Hundred bucks says your dad got a 'Nasbandhi' after you were born, I thought. Couldn't say it to his face though. I blame it on my upbringing.

"I know Brigade Road. Nice place" he continues, beaming with confidence on his knowledge of Bangalore.

That's nothing. Visit Okalipuram once. Another awkward smile.

"Where in Bangalore are you from?"

"Jayanagar" I answer.

"Jayanagar.. Hmmm.. I don't know that place. I only know Brigade Road".

Really? You don't say! I'm just glad you asked that question anyway.

"So, what do you do?"

Oh, you mean besides engaging in such stimulating conversations? "I'm an IT Consultant for XYZ company"

"Ohhhh! That's cool"

That was followed by 2 more minutes of enquiry about the domain, technology and cubicle I work in.

"So, how long are you gonna be in Texas?" Finally, he's coming to the point.

"Hmm.. I'm not sure at this point of time" I'm proud of myself.

"Hehe.. IT consultant right, situation is bad here for you folks"

Aah, he's also a scholar and an economist. Maybe I should just give him my phone number.

"Hey, why don't you give me your phone number?" Here it comes. "I'll give you a missed call and you can store my number". Bullseye!

Okay, you know what's a perfect example of an amateur mistake? Carrying your cellphone in your hand while walking around in Walmart.

I was cornered. I had to give him my number and pretend I was saving his name while I went through AT&T's free spam in my inbox.

"What time do you come home in the evening?"

Huh? Are you planning a surprise birthday party or something, coz my birthday's not due for months.

"I dunno, its pretty hectic at work these days". Indeed it is.

"No worry, I'll give you a call soon. And we can meet sometime in the evening. I live close by"

Can't wait.

"Okay, bye" I rushed out of the aisle even before completing that sentence.

Five minutes later, I was walking towards checkout and bam! I saw him again, walking towards the same set of checkout counters as me. With a combination of great speed and supreme cart dodging skills, I turned the other way and ran towards the ladies lingerie section where I took a very forced refuge for 5 full minutes.

I lived to fight another day.

Sunday afternoon:

That another day came sooner than I had hoped for. My mistake this time: I waited till the very last moment to do last minute chips & dips shopping before the superbowl game and hence let my guard down at the battleground.

This time it was a couple, in their mid 30s. They sneaked up on me while I was unsuspectingly looking at some cheddar dips. I shall refer to them as 'Dumma' and 'Kulli'.

"Hey, you look familiar. Are you from Chennai?" Dumma asked. I instantly recognized the genuinity in his voice.

"No", I responded, without a smile.

"But you are from South India right?", he expanded his horizons quickly.

"Yes, Bangalore"

"Ohhh Bangalore!", Kulli exclaimed, again, genuinely. "We lived in Bangalore some time back. In BTM Layout"

"Oh. Goood".

They then followed the standard questionnaire template (job, domain, technology, how long in the US, what time you come home from work) before Dumma finally came to the point

"Hey, why don't you give me your cell number? We can meet sometime."

This time, I was ready. My cell was safe in my trouser pocket, and the crease it created was barely visible.

"Actually, I don't have a phone yet. I've been here only for a week"

Nobody call me now. Nobody call me now. Please.

"Ohh. Okay, take my number at least"

I shrugged my hands indicating I don't have a pen or a paper. And I obviously don't have a cellphone.

Victory!

"Hey look, I have pen and paper", Kulli smirked as she plucked the pen and paper out of her purse.

So close.

I took the piece of paper and was about to take my leave when Dumma decided to make a last ditch attempt.

"Hey, at least give me your hotel phone number man"

Wow. I didn't see that coming. 

"I don't remember it off hand. Sorry". 

I'll kill you and your wife if I miss the kickoff. 

"Hmm.. No problem, I'll look it up online. Just tell me the room number".

My god. He must be getting a really fat commission on this. There's no other explanation.

"Its 108", I said.

"Okay then, we'll see you soon".

I sincerely, desperately, faithfully, 'on-my-knees-god-please-have-mercy-on-me'fully hope not.

As I was leaving the place, a wierd thought entered my head. What it was, you shall soon find out.

Fast forward 4 hours:

Its the fourth quarter, Arizona's just scored a freakin' unbelievable touchdown. The two minute warning has just been sounded. Big Ben is driving the Steelers down the field. Can this get any better?

Yes it can. (Its the catchphrase of the season!)

My phone rang. Unknown number. I contemplated for 10 seconds and then picked it up.

"Hi! This is LKB. How are you?"

Incomplete pass. 2nd down at the Steelers 45.

"Huh?"

"Hey, this is LKB. Remember, we'd met at Walmart a few days ago".

What. The. Fuck.

(Lesson Learnt: When an Amway douchebag gives you his phone number, Save it. At least you'll know when not to pick up the phone)

"Oh Right. Whatsup?"

"Hey, I was wondering if you wanna come down to my house tomorrow"

"What? Hey, are you not watching the game?"

"Which game?"

Roethlisberger sacked. Do or die 3rd down now. Why in the bloody world am I still talking to this guy.

"The Superbowl"

"Oh. I don't really follow all these sports"

"But I do. So, bye."

And I cut the call. That's the first time I ever hung up on someone I knew. It felt sooo good.

It was then I started giving my aforementioned wierd thought a little more er.. thought.

I was so proud of the way I wriggled myself out of the hands of these creeps twice in a row, I felt I should take this up as a night job, you know like a super hero.

'Harassed by pain in the arse business networkers? Do not fear. Blade Bhadra is here.'

My super power would be distracting these crooks from victims by using their own 'blading' methods, and then slipping out of the situation with blade like smoothness.

I am not kidding. In fact, at this very moment, I am stiching my superhero outfit. This is what I'm gunning for.

Well, if it doesn't work out, I always have my wednesday 1 AM plan.

And by the way, Room 108 is the room next to mine, currently being inhabited by a big black guy who's making an unusual amount of noise.

'Suiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiik'

(That was the sound of a blade. A smooth blade. Its gonna be my alter ego's signoff.)

Counter Shots at Lavanya Bar

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this exotic concept (you unlucky souls) - please, allow me to explain:

Counter Shot (pronounced "counter shaat") is a popular socializing technique used by adult men across the length and breadth of this great country of ours. 

In the simplest form of this technique, one parks his vehicle in front of the No Parking signboard outside the wine shop on his way home from work, enters the shop, asks for a '60' of Rum/Whiskey, mixes it with water (and in some rare cases, soda), drinks it in one or maximum two gulps, hands over the money to the shopkeeper, returns to the vehicle, spits on the footpath after a long gargle, and gets on his way home.

Sounds Dull? Cheap?

Heh! You could not be more wrong, my friend.

I was like you, pretending to be sophisticated, pretending to despise these places. But somewhere inside my shirt, my heart wanted to give them a 'shot'. So I went to two of the more alcohol appreciating buddies of mine at work and asked them to help me experience this bliss I'd heard so much about. They gladly obliged. (Their exact words were "Wokay maams, tell us when").

After referring to the latest 'panchaanga' to figure out when the raahu kaala ends, we decided that yesterday evening was the most auspicious time. The Place? Hmm.. this was tricky, since we'd all seen our share of dingy spots while commuting, but in the end the choice was unanimous. It was 'Lavanya Bar and Restaurant' in Audugodi.

Reasons:

a) This is one place we'd see every other day while coming to or going from office, and the fascination for it was just too much.

b) It was an enigmatic place. For the untrained eye it looked too classy to be a Counter Shot place. On close observation though, one could see the 'fast food' counter outside the bar sold 'chikan manchuri' whose spelling kinda gave away its classiness.

c) Look at the Name man!!

So, with some potato chips to appetize ourselves, we boarded an Auto and started our journey, during which my buddies gave me some valuable tips I'd never heard before, such as:

a) Never take a girl along for Counter Shots.

b) Don't drink it all in one gulp. ('you dont have that capacity yet magaa')

c) 'Let us order for you this time. There are a lot of fakes in circulation. You'll get conned.'

We finally reached the place. Before entering, we took one look at each other: Formal Shirt & Pant - Check, Formal Shoes - Check, Laptop Backpacks - Check, and finally, Company ID Card - Check.

Yes, we were all set indeed.

We entered the shop, struggled through the elite crowd to reach the counter and asked for the nostalgic favorite of many - 'Old Monk'. Much to our dissappointment, he said 'we dont stock Old Monk sir'. So we went for plan B - Smirnoff. Nobody looked up from their drink, people were just going about their business. Its not like properly dressed folks never come to places like this. Most of the IT hotshots buy their liquor in these shops and then drink at their classy parties or at their homes.

It was when we said 'parcel alla, ille guru' (to drink here only, not for parcel) that people suddenly looked up, starting from the guy behind the counter, who had a half-stunned expression on his face for about 5 seconds. We took the drinks, stood by the counter and started drinking.. slowly.

In about 5 minutes, we realised that this place is a little too classy than we imagined. There were tables around where he served omelets and we heard some guy speaking English inside the shop. (English??)

Our fears were vindicated when we asked for 'touchings'. (which is a piece of pickle kept on a small coaster for you to lick with your fingers in between your sips. And by the way, the licks are not exclusive to you alone). The guy said they don't keep touchings, but he'll give 'mixture' for 2 rupees. We took them anyway.

We mustered up the courage to order an omelet from the kitchen which looked like it was last cleaned for diwali.  It was surprisingly good, although we suspected the oil used might be from 'Kannada Rajyotsava' days.

We tried to strike some interesting conversations with a couple of strangers, but they just minded their business. We asked the waiter (read: underage kid) to turn on the music, but he said they turn it on only for 'special ocassions'.

After 20 minutes, we gave up and walked out. We weren't really drunk. Not even properly buzzed to be honest. Just to keep the evening's spirit going, we smoked a 'King' outside for 5 minutes while we bitched about office politics.

Thus ended an interesting but uneventful evening at Lavanya Bar. By the end of it, we vowed to make the next one a more memorable affair. We've selected 'Famous Bar' near Woody's Jayanagar for it.

And when its over, you can be rest assured that you'll hear about it.

I know you're trembling with anticipation, dear reader. 

Patience!

Dose & Idly

One of the true pleasures of living in Bangalore is the wide & varied availability of high class vegetarian food, which by extension maps to Dose and Idly.

You see, Being a pukka Kannada Brahmin, outside food was largely limited to dose and idly for a large part of my childhood. (and it was limited further due to my mother's insistence of eating only at places where they don't use excess garlic.. "adeshtu bellulli haakidano haaladovnu").

I guess that's why my first question at any new restaurant is usually "special dose yenenide?"

Having had my (and a few others') share of Doses (not "Dosas", you NRIs), I think the time is right for some information sharings, for the benefit of other dose eating public.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, here's a list of my favorite dose & idly joints of Bangalore.

Dose:

Any dose is incomplete without the perfect chutney (or with excess garlic!), so that is one very important criterion.

1. SLV, near Ragigudda temple, Jayanagar: Has improved seriously in the last 2 years.. enough to beat others in the list actually. And they make the best Onion Dose.

2. CTR, Malleshwaram: Superb Benne Masale. Mangalooru Goli Bajji is another speciality.

3. Janatha Hotel, Malleshwaram: Unique chowltry style experience. Great Masale Dose.

4. Vidyarthi Bhavana, Gandhi Bazaar: Another Unique experience. Probably the softest dose of all.

5. Ganesh Darshan, Jayanagar 4th Block: Terrific Dose-Chutney combo.

Hon'ble Mentions:

** Halli Thindi: Basavangudi: Makes one-of-a-kind Ragi Dose and Bread Dose.

** Woody's, Jayanagar: Used to make superb Rave Masale and Mysore Masale Dose. Quality has definitely deteriorated of late.

** Kamath Lokaruchi, Bangalore-Mysore Highway: The best place to stop en route to Mysore. Very good doses.

Idly Vade:

With Idly too, Chutney and Sambaar are key. Keeping that in mind...

1. Veena Stores, Malleshwaram: Hands down, the best Idly & Vade in town.

2. SLV near Ragigudda temple: The Best Idly-Vade-Sambaar-Chutney combo in town.

3. Adigas, Jayanagar 4th Block: Good Idly. But the Rave Idly is just heavenly.

4. Janatha Hotel, Malleshwaram: God, what Vades! Super I say.

5. Udupi Krishna Bhavan, Koramangala: Used to serve superb idlis for lunch! (Haven't heard of it in more than 2 years though)

Hon'ble Mentions:

** An Unnamed shop on 'Food Street' in VV Puram: Super soft idlis. In fact, the whole street is awesome!

** Halli Thindi, Basavangudi: Great Idlis with unique chutney.

(Even though this is a Bangalore Only post, being a Mysorean I feel compelled to mention Mylari Restuarant in Kuvempunagar in Mysore. They make the best Dose and Coconut Chutney in this world! Do check it out.)

I'm hungry now. No, its not psychology.. I'm actually hungry. Okay, fine, don't believe it. 

I think I'll convince my wife for a little dose excursion tonight.

(actually, she doesn't need a whole lot of convincing. *wink*)

(If I've missed out on any good places or if you disagree with my choices, feel free to drop in a word below)

Headlines Today(?)

Okay. I can still believe it if Rakhi Sawant's outburst on some poor soul who refused to appear on her chat show (aptly titled 'The Rakhi Sawant Showz') becomes headline of the day.

Heck. I can even digest day long headlines about the Bachchan Family (& Amar Singh) visiting a temple in Arunachal Pradesh.

But what's beyond me is a prime time headline saying 'Are Indians Porn Prone?' and a discussion with 'experts' about the porn watching habits of Indians, accompanied by statistics from some very reliable surveys which included questions like:

* How old were you when you watched your first porn film?

* Have you made a home pornographic video?

For the second question, 91% said "No". And the funniest thing was that they were highlighting the other 9% in bold and discussing those 'modern people'.

Finally, something rewarding to watch after a long day's work.

The Obvious Topic

"Are we Defenceless?"
..screamed the headline of a news channel.

Based on current evidence, we are indeed.

A total of 47 bombs (22 defused) found in 3 different cities of our country in a span of 5 days.
More than 50 killed and hundreds injured.
Dense areas such as markets, bus stands targeted, where you and I go or pass through almost every day. The worst of all, targeting the hospital in Ahmedabad where the victims would be brought for treatment, not only highlights the meticulous planning done by the perpetrators, but also a chilling, sinister mindset.

Southern India had been, until now, the luckier sibling when it came to terror attacks. In fact, Bangalore had seen only one clear act of terrorism (attacks at IISC). Even that, as bad as it was, did not fully accomplish what the terrorists intended : Spread Terror.
This time though, they were successful to a much larger extent. 'Low intensity' bombs placed in various parts of the city made sure that everyone knew about it and cared about it enough to actually stop and think 'Should I go out or stay in?". And that, is mission accomplished.
Though normalcy returned quickly, the edginess has remained (no doubt fuelled by blasts in Ahmedabad the very next day).

To be honest, I have been a little indifferent to news on terrorism in India, simply because they are, for the lack of a better term, a dime a dozen. Kashmir has been cannon fodder for decades now. Mumbai and of late Gujarat have also been attacked multiple times. As Indians, we have taken it in our stride that terrorism co-exists with us and have typically 'adjusted' our lives around it. I definitely have. Until now, that is.
Even though I was not directly affected by the blasts, there's no denying that I was tense this time. For real.
2 of the blasts happened within 2 Kms from my office. 1 within a Kilometer from my wife's office. My office is housed in one of the landmark buildings in Bangalore, an obvious target.
It was all real. Not just news splashed sensationally on TV channels.
People tried to show off calmness, but the tension was palpable. Cellphone networks being jammed didn't help matters either, with everyone wanting to call up their near and dear ones (Google Talk came to the rescue).
Things cooled off a little bit by evening, but people were still tense because it was believed that this was just the trailer, a preview of things to come, when bombs won't be low intensity.
That was perhaps the greatest victory for the terrorists. They have now managed to infect the city with fear.
Bangalore will no doubt shake off this incident, and within no time will you see people flocking back to malls, markets and cinema halls. Politicians will use this to hail the 'tenacity' of the city and its people. And all will be well.

Is that 'tenacity'? really?
Some of it may be.. but isn't it also the typical Indian attitude of indifference? As long as it didn't happen to me, chalta hai, right? This is what the Indian Politician thrives on. All he has to do is look concerned, visit the affected area and announce compensations. News channels will track these for a week and move on to the next bad news. The terrorist knows this all too well. He stays low for 2 months and then begins planning his next attack.
The cycle continues. Deja vu.

Having said that, what difference can I make? can we all make?
Not much, to be honest. The best we can do is carry out protest marches asking for better preventive measures. But will it help?
Unlikely.

The system is so badly inefficient and corrupt at every level that even if someone came up with some bold initiatives, it will probably not see the light of the day, or at best, fizzle out quietly after initiation.
Too many things need to be bettered too quickly to help prevent more such acts, starting from plugging the holes of infiltration from our dear neighbors all the way to improving (and keeping corruption free) human intelligence at local level. Needless to say, it won't happen.
I'm sorry if I made your day a little more glum than it was, but this is the sad truth of India.

Y'know, the day after, my wife said 'lets go to the market to buy vegetables'.
I hesitated. Even though it was only for a second. But I did.
And it wasn't because of my usual laziness.

My wife keeps telling me that I need to re-evaluate my life insurance.

Know what hon... I agree.